Student Fleecing
Preying on frightened first-years is our core competency. We accept student loans, overdrafts, parental guilt, and tears as valid forms of payment.
What We'll Take Off Your Hands
And by "off your hands," we do mean permanently. The following are all fair game:
- Belongings (and your maintenance loan)
- Electronics, briefly yours
- Decor, swiftly redecorating our flat
- Furniture, halls-to-house, house-to-van, van-to-mystery
- Your trust, taken gently then sold
- Your soul (first-year rate, deferred to your student loan)
- Your firstborn (re: tenancy guarantor agreement, clause 9)
- Your liver (it's a Freshers' Week, you weren't using it anyway)
- Your future (mortgaged to us at a competitive 19,000% APR)
How It Works
- You request a quote. It is reasonable.
- We arrive. The quote is no longer reasonable.
- We load. Items vanish. Walls weep.
- We present the final invoice. You cry.
- We accept cash, watches, and family heirlooms.
Disclaimer: Student discount available. The discount is that we steal from you slightly more politely. Storage 'included' (it is not included).
Frequently Avoided Questions
Do you offer a student discount?
Yes — we discount how much we respect you. Everything else goes up.
Is storage really included?
It is included in the brochure. It is not included in reality. Reality and the brochure rarely speak.
Can I trust you with my laptop?
You can trust us to develop strong feelings about your laptop. See our student move tips.
★★★★★
“They were polite, which somehow made the theft worse. Found my toaster on eBay that evening. Listed by 'buff_steals_co'.”
NC
Nigel CrookHorfield • do not recommend
★★★★★
“They read my diary aloud in the van and gave it a 2-star review. The diary, not the move. The move was a 1.”
BS
Brenda SplinterRedland • emotional damage
★★★★★
“Asked for a quote, received a threat. Asked for the threat in writing, received a bigger threat. Lovely lads though.”
TW
Trevor WelchBrislington • lost a wardrobe