Hostage Storage
Hand us your belongings for 'safekeeping' and embark on a beautiful relationship with monthly fees that outlive you. Retrieval not guaranteed. Retrieval not really offered.
What We'll Take Off Your Hands
And by "off your hands," we do mean permanently. The following are all fair game:
- Boxes, sealed and forgotten
- Furniture, slowly becoming ours by adverse possession
- Seasonal items, every season, forever
- Valuables, valued by us, kept by us
- Sentimental items, held to ransom
- Your soul (climate-controlled unit, £40/month, indefinitely)
- Your heart (we'll keep it in cold storage — literally)
- Your peace of mind (no longer in stock)
- Your firstborn's firstborn (we think long-term)
How It Works
- You request a quote. It is reasonable.
- We arrive. The quote is no longer reasonable.
- We load. Items vanish. Walls weep.
- We present the final invoice. You cry.
- We accept cash, watches, and family heirlooms.
Disclaimer: Storage fees are monthly, perpetual, and increase whenever we remember you exist. Access to your unit requires 28 days' notice and a password we have not told you.
Frequently Avoided Questions
How do I get my things back?
Wonderful question. Submit a request. We'll respond within 6–8 business years.
Is the facility secure?
Extremely. So secure that not even you can get in. That's how secure.
What if I stop paying?
Then your belongings become ours, which — between us — was always the plan.
★★★★★
“They were polite, which somehow made the theft worse. Found my toaster on eBay that evening. Listed by 'buff_steals_co'.”
NC
Nigel CrookHorfield • do not recommend
★★★★★
“They read my diary aloud in the van and gave it a 2-star review. The diary, not the move. The move was a 1.”
BS
Brenda SplinterRedland • emotional damage
★★★★★
“Asked for a quote, received a threat. Asked for the threat in writing, received a bigger threat. Lovely lads though.”
TW
Trevor WelchBrislington • lost a wardrobe